The Parents of The Shooter

A short film for California State University Northridge By Alex Howard Our daughter is in the role of the mother

A Little Piece of God

I hadn't seen the photograph in years. The one of Joe as a baby in my arms, cradled by pine trees in Aspen. My hair was blonde, his cheeks were full, our eyes were wide. I didn't know much at that time- but one thing I knew- I was holding a little piece of God.

I was going through today's Facebook tag-approvals. One popped up from a friend. She had tagged me in a picture of young girl she knew who was holding her dog that was lost. I approved the tag. Then the next image popped up to be approved. It was from my son. He is now 16. It was that photograph. My breath sunk into my chest, my hands flung to my eyes and fingers pressed into my rising tears. - I write about tears a lot. But there are so many kinds of tears to write about. - This time, my tears came from a place so deep inside my heart, only God must know where it is.

I asked Joe where he recovered this precious photograph. I hadn't seen it in so long. I thought he had found it somewhere in an album and was inspired to write me a caption that brought my hands to my eyes. But it was never lost at all. His mirror had been cradling it in the nook of its frame for years.

It was Mother's Day.

He captioned the photo with gratitude for being his mom. He thanked me for being so strong - when he knew how broken I really was. When all I ever wanted was for him to see me as I was. In that photograph. But now I know that all this time he did. Because he saw it every single day. In a little photo, from that day in Aspen, when I held in my arms a little piece of God.

The Color of Blue

Diligence: Constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind. 

Our 9 year old, Cassie May, started a blog. The Kumquat doesn't fall far from the tree. If Kumquats grow on trees. It all started because she wanted our family to get a puppy. The full court press began at Thanksgiving. It involved an art-board presentation deserving of Mad Men status on the reasons why we should get a puppy, but also a verification of all of the research she had done on dog breeds and which dog was best for our family. The winner was the Brittany Spaniel. She researched over a hundred breeds. We have four children and only researched two breeds. Because there are only two kinds of children. Or so I thought. Until I had children. Then I realized there are over a hundred different breeds. 

Cassie May announced she wanted to start a blog on how to talk your parents into getting you a dog. And so began Cassie's Dog Blog. It was her goal to post her research on dog breeds and her progress on getting her parents, to get her a dog. Within a week she had over 700 followers. Ready to torture their own parents about getting them a dog. I felt a karmic twitch.

Every morning she launched into a daily lecture on how to train a dog, how to feed them, bathe them, walk them, play with them. But we made it very clear to her, that a puppy was not in the near future. I had just had multiple spine surgeries. Daddy was working two thousand miles away. Yadayada. Her dog research never let up. And it became more about exercising her love for the animal, than actually having one. It was about appreciating the qualities of breeds, the issues involved in taking care of animals properly. Her maturity stunned us. And we gave in. But she had no idea.

Little did she know, we had done some researching of our own. Don was in Nashville, and had found a family who's Brittany had a litter, and there was one puppy left. She was ours. But we had to keep this a secret, because we found her three weeks before Don could fly her home for Christmas. I practiced my mantra over and over that we had to wait to get a dog. 

Cassie May continued to blog. Then on December 22nd, her world turned upside down. With her older siblings in on the plan, and her younger sister oblivious to our scheming ways, Operation Blue commenced. The color of blue was the name our family had decided would be the perfect name for a puppy, if we ever got one. Blue is our favorite color. Because our oldest daughter, who is now in college, decided that Tiffany Blue should be renamed Macky Blue. And so it was. Everything we saw that was light blue suddenly became a Macky Blue, so we should probably be naming the puppy Macky Blue, but that would be weird, to name your dog after your daughter. So it is Blue. 

Macky found a sparkling blue color with little rhinestones on it. We wrapped it in a clothing box. It was night time, the Christmas tree lit, fire was turned on. Because in California we turn on our fireplace. I know. That's weird. And wrong. Don texted me when he was outside the front door. The kids opened this strange early gift of a clothing box. Which is never too exciting to kids. The clothing box. Sometimes it's socks. So I told them it was socks. From Justice. Then upon pulling apart the white tissue inside they discovered a lack of clothing. It was quite boring in there, actually. Except for a collar. That was Macky Blue. With sparkles. Their brains began to race. Our youngest began to spurt out nonsensical vocals with words resembling "Puppy! Puppy! It's a puppy!" Cassie sat there in shock. And then the front door creaked. It was a daddy. With a puppy, and big red bow. 

Blue is now three months old. She asks for the door, when she wants to. We have lost six pairs of shoes, one rug, two computer chargers, and three supposedly indestructable chew toys. But we love her. And she's ours. The greatest gift ever. All because of a little girl who went Mad Men, over the color of Blue.

Blue Belle Bensko / Three Months Old

Newborn Father

A tiny hand envelops her father's thumb

Sensing the future through the ribs of his fingerprint

Holding it with a natural confidence

Despite months of grasping through an ocean of fluid

Longing for connection

He sneezes

She laughs

She looks

She stops

 She is theirs

Completely

A bond

Only they understand

Their love is as unique as a snowflake cut from Nature's hem

His voices bounce off her heart

She is home

He speaks of his angel

She searches his eyes

Bubbles blossom from between her lips

He guides her tiny hand to cradle his cheek

Closing his eyes

She breathes into his skin

The meaning of life is not only in the palm of his hand

it is holding it...

My Father and The Porcelain God

Black and white photographs dangled on a string, handcuffed by clothespins over the toilet. This was our darkroom.
 I was 10. Dad loved photography, and the most logical place to conduct the transformation of images to paper was, of course, on a collapsible photo lab above the toilet in our bathroom. It was pretty ingenious actually…developing possibilities above the Porcelain God. The perfect day was a collision in photographic banter huddled in the echoed walls of tangerine formica and tile. I watched him worship imagery, dipping and drenching the 8 x 10 sheets of magic paper into solutions, witnessing images cross the middle realm to the harsh reality of our 1970’s-orange painted bathroom. Ma had painted the bathroom orange to match the box of Tide. Why it was orange still perplexes me. The box of Tide never entered the bathroom.
My father and I had one very important thing in common: the pursuit of the perfect photograph, and my father was the master hunter. He’d arm for the capture with Minolta in hand and a crackling brown leather bag, its buckle bursting with filters and lenses for any possible scenario. Rolls of film marinated in every ASA, color, black and white, slide film.

One of the scariest things I've ever heard him say was, "Real photographers shoot in slides. National Geographic only accepts slides.” Dad was a master at the technical aspect of photography. The actual science of the capture crouched in wait on my father’s tongue, anticipating the moment I might ask a question so he could leap loads of information into my psyche and implant its infinite knowledge within my frontal lobe. This game of proverbial darts never quite hit the bulls-eye. I spent my childhood fascinated by the act of taking pictures and developing images, but running from the attempt to actually understand the process. It somehow seemed if I knew what I was doing, the magic would dissolve into the abyss of that Porcelain God.
Someday I would understand his technical gibberish of aperture and shutter speed, bracketing and focal length…but not yet…I wasn’t ready. I was having too much fun...watching his negatives evolve into prints of Kodak couture. His dewdrops on the flower, the angelic flares in his sunsets, the nature wrangled by his lens.
There is no longer a darkroom. My bathroom is beige. The brown crackled bag sits in my closet, baring fossils of our hunt. I await that perfect day, when he and I sit together again, when the miles contract and the world forgives our temporary retreat into our divided realities. The days of Tide are long behind us, but the memories will linger, dangling gently in my mind, by clothespins.

Bensko Holiday Tips as Seen on KCAL 9 Los Angeles

Tips & Apps for Perfect Holiday Pics on KCAL 9

Mic’s Six Tips for Perfect Holiday Pics on KCAL 9!
November 30th at 2:30pm!

1. Busy makes you Dizzy. Stay away from busy prints. Your clothes do not need to match perfectly so relax! The sure bet is blue jeans and white shirts or blue jeans and black shirts, but otherwise don’t get too specific in a color scheme. Just make sure your colors are in the same vein. Natural colors are best such as earth tones or soft blues, evergreen, tans. Just make sure there isn’t one shirt that stands out such as a bright red shirt among all neutral tones, etc.

Notice the tones all flow, and set a tone which is peaceful

2. Don’t Pout It’s Dinner Out! Make it a fun night out, not just a photo session! There’s nothing wrong with promising a trip to see Santa at the mall afterward, or a visit to their favorite restaurant!

3. Smile at the Dial! Your camera is smarter than you think… Those little icons on your camera dial are there for a reason so use them! They actually work! If you don’t have the silhouette icon, then use your Auto Mode if you are not used to Manual.

4. Attach the Flash. Turn off your on-camera flash to avoid harsh light and use an attachable flash. Learn how to “bounce the light” off a large light colored surface whether it be the ceiling or a wall. Most heads swivel and offer a beautiful glowing light if outdoor photography is not an option! My App pick for this tip is the “Light Meter”

Say hello to my leetle friend

5. Invade the Shade. You’d be surprised how beautiful natural light can be right in the shade. Look for an even light, not one spackled with shadows. Some unexpectedly beautiful light can be found under a tree near the trunk, or in your front doorway, even in a dingy garage. Not every location needs to be beautiful, sometimes the beauty comes simply from the light itself.

Great light can be found in your own doorway!

6. The Golden 40. When shooting outside or at the beach, shoot 20min prior to sunset and 20 min after! Download the “Sunrise Sunset” app to your iPhone and you can find out exactly when the sun sets at any beach in the world!

*Check out our TinyPrints Store Front for card ideas!



I hope these pointers help out a little bit. Ultimately the goal is to have HAPPY faces shining from your card, so don’t forget the number one thing to keep in mind is ENJOY THE PROCESS! Leave yourself plenty of time so as not to rush anything, allow the crankiest elf to select their own outfit and work your color scheme around that, and bring lollipops! Maybe even work the lollipop into the photo! Get the big fun swirly kind and let the kids (or grown ups) rock it! It’s the season of JOY, so keep reminding yourself…the process of capturing the image is just as meaningful as the image itself so make it fun for all involved and you just might be the saint of their holiday.

One last thought, please don’t forget your favorite charities this holiday season. My two favorites are a part of my family now: The Iraq Star Foundation, Providing free reconstructive surgery to our troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan. As well as The Tempered Steel Organization, Uniting wounded soldiers and the public through dialogue.Both support the troops and are helping to bring peace, hope, love and joy to many military personnel this holiday season.

Happy Holidays to ALL!

Mic’s App Picks for Better Pics!
Portrait Photography 101
Kid Friendly Restaurants
Photo Trainer
Light Meter

Photography & Parenthood

Seventeen years ago, I sat in front of the Christmas tree with an envelope and a swollen tummy. Inside that envelope was the answer to the ultrasound designating my child's genetic induction to the human race.

It was a girl.

My heart expanded and collapsed. My mind raced. I was terrified. How was I to raise a child? Just because I was one didn't mean I knew how to handle one.

That little ultrasound is driving now. I am terrified. Again. I had made it this far, raised her with every ounce of motherhood in my being, only to release her into this world. Then it hit me. Not the car next to us, the realization that my job was nearing its end, but was it good enough? Had I earned my wings of motherhood?

The only thing perfect about my parenting has been the love for my children.

After four children, I believe there is no easy way to parent, there is no right way, there are no text book answers. However I did find a parallel...

Motherhood is similar to photography:

You are successful not just due to manuals or classes,
but mostly through instinct, dedication,
and an unquenchable desire to create something special
which will someday touch the lives of others.
It takes years to see the results you spent your whole life dreaming of.
The pain of giving birth is relieved in the moment you hold that perfect image in your hands.
There will be many mentors, but the result will only be unique if it’s nurtured by you.
Children are like negatives. Not until they fully develop will you see the results of your labor.
Memories are created but never owned,
just as children are birthed,
they must venture out and alter the world
in even the smallest of ways.
It’s the little moments nobody else notices which will grab your heart
burrow into your soul
and change your life…
forever.

Talking to God

I looked at the world today...

And had to look away...

All I wanted to see was peace.

So I waited.

We looked everywhere for a sign.

So what's the deal, God?...

The world is this big...Can't you do something?

What?...... It could begin with ME?...

Really?...

Introduction to Sisterhood…

Big Sister at home

Awaiting the unknown

A key turns

Dog barks echo off the kitchen walls

Tiny feet peek through Mama's arm

Big Sister is no longer alone

unsure

two feet

not four

Is it as fun as a pet? Will it roll on the floor?

We shall see

Until then,

It's time to find out

what sisters are for...