The K-Hole

It is difficult to describe what a K-Hole is. I didn't have any idea what I was getting myself into - Until I got into a pain so deep, it is taking Ketamine to pull me back out of this hole.

Imagine your eyes are open even when they are closed. A movie screen seventy feet high and a hundred feet wide in high definition plays a montage in the space before your self. Your id. Your body does not exist. There is no connection or awareness that your limbs even exist. You are your mind. And that is all. And it is magnificent.

The mind is a powerful thing when left to fend for its life. Ketamine does just that. It slices the cord between your brain and its roots and leaves your soul to bleed a light upon a canvas solely for dreams to wake.

I have endured five days so far of Ketamine infusions - with five more to go. Each time is slightly different than the last. But so far, each infusion has brought me closer to how magnificent the mind can be.

The first day I envisioned the most exquisite batik fabrics all existing just for my eyes to see. Another day my earbuds slipped and my George Winston radio station paused. I stirred with a fright so great I startled my nurse. George Winston had fallen out of my ears. Then I imagined a world without George Winston. And for that moment I did not think life could go on. She assured me his music still did exist and placed the buds back in my ears. And all was again right in this world. Another time the movie screen had slipped away and in front of me stood the largest building I had ever seen. It was so large and real, yet wavered in its skin. This building housed the most important thing in the universe. These walls protected it from any one or thing that could possibly steal it from our grasp. There was no key or entrance as it would spoil its grandeur. Inside, was baseball. The game of life.

I am sure this coming week will bring more levity to my world already upside-down. But the K-Hole is truly an interesting place to be.

So far I am half way through. And the tremors that shook my body to its core, have simmered to a low and steady hum. A choir drifting on a wind that is headed out to sea. I feel a steadiness returning in my palms; an optimism trickling to the tips of my limbs.

One more week of Ketamine. Each day they have upped my dosage, making days so heavy they cannot be seen. I wake at six and am put into the Hole around seven or eight. I stay there until noon and crawl out by one. We return to my room and I sleep until five. Then three hours of drifting until another night time.

One more week of Ketamine. The K-Hole. The movie screen. And all I hope to be.

Comments

[Allison]

Aside from sounding like a clip from Alice in wonderland (which to me would be a nightmare) is it scarey or painful?

[Fried Nerves and Jam]

Allison there is no pain at all. It is actually an anesthetic. I was very anxious at first. The first day was tricky for me, but I quickly adapted. They increase the dosage though as the days progress. I'm in the midst of a very deep treatment now and quite taxing on my energies. But that's the only difficult part physically.

[Jackie]

Micaela,
Although we have never met, I am with you very day at the CAST CENTER. Kat gave me your bracelet which I've worn ever since. Today I finally typed the black letters on the pink band into my iPad and entered your world. You touch my heart and my funny bone with the same stroke of the pen. As soon as the tears well up in my eyes, my belly shakes with laughter. You have a magnificent gift of expression. I hope to meet you before week's end. I am only two curtains down to your left, holding the hand of another creature with wings-on-the-mend: my daughter. Please know that I have been praying for you daily since this ketamine round began. I ask God to use the ketamine (or whatever means He chooses) to repair your mind and body, relieving the pain and restoring mobility. But mostly I pray He speaks words of peace, comfort, trust, and salvation to your soul. i pray the same for everyone in you support system as well. You are a strong woman with a beautiful spirit. Thank you for sharing publicly what is haunting you privately so that we may unite in love and compassion. Keep writing! Jackie