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The Soldier and the Squirrel introduces children to the Purple Heart

through a loving story of a friendship between a newly wounded soldier

and Rocky the squirrel with his backyard friends. This story began as a

blog during my first year in bed after my incident. With much

encouragement, it is now a book and has been placed in the

Ronald Reagan Presidential Library & Museum. Please watch the video

on the About page to learn for the Soldier & Rocky are changing children's

lives.

 

ORDER NOW

 

 

In 2018, Bensko founded Veterans In Pain - V.I.P. Facilitating OrthoBiologic solutions for Veterans suffering from chronic pain, by connecting volunteer physicians with our country's heroes, nationwide. 

V.I.P. is a Platinum Certified GuideStar Nonprofit, and Certified Resource of Wounded Warrior Project.  

501(c)3 EIN# 83-0600023

www.VeteransInPain.org 

Socializing
Tuesday
Jul232013

My Goal

I have a new goals.

Rise with ease. Brush my daughter's long hair. Follow a fly as it weaves past my nose. Noticing dust and wiping it off. Touching the dew on the grass. With my fingers.

These things I took for granted because I assumed they would always be. They are just not there - right now- for me.

But I am not the unlucky one, just because I'm raw.

My goal now may be simple to some. Considering there is so much more to achieve. But all I want is for you to experience the kindness you have offered to me.

Thank you for showing our children there is such goodness in this world. For the very first time, they can see God's face. Because you have revealed Him within your generosity and kindness.

Our love and gratitude to you is endless.

Micaela

Monday
Jul222013

The Stages of CRPS

The following information was compiled from www.RSDHope.org


American RSDHope
Description - Four Stages of CRPS

Doctors may classify CRPS into different stages. Although now most Doctors use these simply as guidelines since the more that is discovered about CRPS the more they learn that there are no definable timetables for these stages especially with the advent of the new terminology of CRPS TYPES I and II.

For more on the problems with using stages to classify CRPS be sure to read the information that follows "THE FOUR STAGES OF CRPS" below.

THE FOUR STAGES OF CRPS

STAGE ONE: Stage one is called the acute stage and can last one to three months from onset. The first two stages are considered the best stages during which the patient can have the disease reversed and/or put into remission.

Some characteristics are warmth, coolness, burning pain, edema, increased sensitivity to touch, increased pain, accelerated hair/nail growth, tenderness or stiffness in the joint, spasms, limited mobility, some bony changes may be visible on X-Ray, abnormal amount of pain for the injury. The pain will be significantly out of proportion to the inciting injury. In this stage there is decreased sympathetic activity. For the patient, she (75% of the time a female), may feel as if her limb is on fire and is amazed when it actually feels cool to the touch, this is due to the lack of blood flow to the extremities.

STAGE TWO: Stage two is called the Dystrophic Stage and can last three to six months post onset.

Pain is constant, as in stage one, and throbbing, burning, aching, crushing in nature and is exacerbated by any stimuli. The affected limb may still be edematous (swollen with an excessive accumulation of fluid), cool, cyanotic (discolored), or mottled (different shades). Nails are brittle and ridged. Pain and stiffness persists. Muscle wasting may begin. Patients usually starts experiencing short-term memory problems, as well as increased pain from noises and/or vibrations, and other changes in the limbic system. These may include, but are not limited to, the inability to concentrate, inability to find the right word when speaking, depression, and irritability. X-Rays may reveal signs of osteoporosis. Patients may start to repeat themselves. In this stage there are also signs of increased sympathetic activity.

Some Doctors will try and use tools such as X-rays, Bone Scans, thermograms, and others during Stage 2 and Stage 3 to confirm a diagnosis of CRPS. Understand that while these tests MAY show the presence of CRPS, they are rarely conclusive and they should not be used as the sole determining factor in whether a patient does or does not have CRPS. The only positive way of diagnosing CRPS is a physical exam by a Doctor knowlegeable in CRPS. These other tests should only be used as one of many tools to aid in that diagnosis. They are also useful in tracking the progress of the disease over the course of the time.

STAGE THREE: Stage three is called the atrophic stage and can last an unlimited amount of time. Typically if a patient has CRPS for a period of 3+ years, the data seems to indicate their pain level remains fairly constant after that, barring any further incident/injury which could of course, cause an exacerbation of the disease and even a possible spread.

Pain, as usual, is typically constant but can increase or decrease, depending on the person. The CRPS may spread to other parts of the body. At this stage irreversible tissue damage may occur. Skin becomes cool, thin, and shiny. Contraction of the extremity may occur as well as atrophy of the limb (decreased joint movement). Skin atrophies (wasting away) and loss of movement or mobility may also occur. X-Rays may show marked demineralization and increased osteoporosis. At this stage many CRPS patients are not likely to be effectively treated with blocks as the percentage of SIP (Sympathetically Independent Pain) is now much greater than the percentage of SMP (Sympathetically Mediated Pain); meaning the majority of the pain signals are now originating in the brain and not at the original CRPS site where a local block would help.

Ketamine infusions of all types, HBO Therapy, Pumps and Spinal Column Stimulators are usually discussed in Stage three but there are other treatments available and more are coming all the time. The first two types of treatments are generally not covered by insurance. and the surgical treatments such as these should only be considered as a last resort as invasive procedures can cause additional problems for CRPS patients. For many of the long-term CRPS patients who enter Stage three, they simply opt not to do any surgical intervention but rather, choose to develop a long-term lifestyle that will allow them to live alongside their chronic pain; a course of medications; consistent exercise; balanced diet; physical therapy when able/needed; and for those who take the time to learn, meditation, biofeedback, and relaxation exercises.

STAGE FOUR: Most patients will never advance to Stage 4.

In this Fourth Stage, CRPS is resistant to many forms of treatment. Also in this stage there is an involvement of the inner organs. Please do not allow any Doctor to amputate the affected limb unless it is a medical necessity, such as due to gangrene for instance. While it is infrequent, amputations in an effort to eliminate the CRPS pain are still being done. This is typically ineffective and extremely destructive; physically and mentally. It not only does not work but also, in most cases, will exacerbate the CRPS/RSDS and increase the spread rate. Always ask to speak to a Doctor's other patients before undergoing any type of implant or surgical procedure. Educate yourself on the internet. Talk to other patients. In the end, YOU are most responsible for what happens to your body. It is the only body you get, so treat it with the utmost care. You deserve first class care always!

THE PROBLEMS WITH STAGES

While being able to divide patients into neatly defined stages is seen as a plus for some diseases, it has always presented a problem for Doctors who are trying to make a diagnosis for CRPS and for patients who are trying to understand it, for the following reasons:
Most patients have symptoms from multiple stages at the same time making a definitive diagnosis difficult.
Stage 1 and Stage 2 can sometimes be very brief, often less than a few months, and few patients are diagnosed within those first few months.
Depending on which Type of CRPS you have, you may not develop many of the symptoms listed for each of the stages, again making for a confusing diagnosis.
Some patients may never advance to Stage 3 and only a very few patients will ever advance to Stage 4.
It may be difficult to determine your stage due to the combination and/or lack of symptoms.
A better benchmark of where your CRPS is may be mapping your percentages of SMP and SIP over a period of months. CRPS is a progressive disease, meaning it advances over time. Placing a patient into a clearly defined Stage with a highly fluid disease just doesn't make medical sense.
Not all Doctors even agree on the existence of a Fourth Stage.
CRPS is an evolving and constantly changing disease. The symptoms you have today may not be the symptoms you have next week, depending on how your body is reacting to the weather, your overall stress levels, your current medication, the time of day, your living conditions, the time of year, where you live, your stress level at home, the amount of sleep you have been getting, your reaction to your last medical treatment, where you are in the stage of the disease, etc. This makes it even more difficult for even the most knowledgeable Doctors to correctly diagnose and treat the disease. One more reason why the patient needs to educate themselves as much as possible.
Don't assume your Doctor knows everything there is to know about CRPS and especially about your individual case. It is a very difficult disease to treat.

Monday
Jul222013

More Info on My Diagnosis of CRPS

This information was compiled from the website of Dr. Alexander Berenblit at DrBerenblit.com
http://www.drberenblit.com/node/16

Complex regional pain syndrome
Complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS) is a chronic progressive disease characterized by severe pain, swelling and changes in the skin. There is no cure. The International Association for the Study of Pain has divided CRPS into two types based on the presence of nerve lesion following the injury.
Type I, formerly known as reflex sympathetic dystrophy (RSD), Sudeck's atrophy, reflex neurovascular dystrophy (RND) or algoneurodystrophy, does not have demonstrable nerve lesions.
Type II, formerly known as causalgia, has evidence of obvious nerve damage.
The cause of this syndrome is currently unknown. Precipitating factors include injury and surgery, although there are documented cases that have no demonstrable injury to the original site.
History and nomenclature
The condition currently known as CRPS was originally described by Silas Weir Mitchell during the American Civil War, who is sometimes also credited with inventing the name "causalgia." However, this term was actually coined by Mitchell's friend Robley Dunglison from the Greek words for heat and for pain. Contrary to what is commonly accepted, it emerges that these causalgias were certainly major by the importance of the vasomotor and sudomotor symptoms, but stemmed from minor neurological lesions. Mitchell even thought that the CRPS etiology came from the cohabitation of the altered and unaltered cutaneous fibres on the same nerve distribution territory. In the 1940s, the term reflex sympathetic dystrophy came into use to describe this condition, based on the theory that sympathetic hyperactivity was involved in the pathophysiology. Misuse of the terms, as well as doubts about the underlying pathophysiology, led to calls for better nomenclature. In 1993, a special consensus workshop held in Orlando, Florida, provided the umbrella term "complex regional pain syndrome," with causalgia and RSD as subtypes.
Pathophysiology
The pathophysiology of CRPS is not fully understood. “Physiological wind-up” and central nervous system (CNS) sensitization, are key neurologic processes that appear to be involved in the induction and maintenance of CRPS. There is compelling evidence that the N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA) receptor has significant involvement in the CNS sensitization process. It is also hypothesized that elevated CNS glutamate levels promote "physiological wind-up" and CNS sensitization. In addition, there is experimental evidence that demonstrates NMDA receptors in peripheral nerves. Because immunological functions can modulate CNS physiology, it has also been hypothesized that a variety of immune processes may contribute to the initial development and maintenance of peripheral and central sensitization. Furthermore, trauma related cytokine release, exaggerated neurogenic inflammation, sympathetic afferent coupling, adrenoreceptor pathology, glial cell activation, cortical reorganisation, and oxidative damage (e.g. by free radicals) are all concepts that have been implicated in the pathophysiology of CRPS.
Susceptibility
CRPS can strike at any age, but the mean age at diagnosis is 42. CRPS has been diagnosed in children as young as 2 years old. It affects both men and women; however, CRPS is 3 times more frequent in females than males. The number of reported CRPS cases among adolescents and young adults is increasing.
Investigators estimate that 2-5 percent of those with peripheral nerve injury, and 13-70 percent of those with hemiplegia (paralysis of one side of the body), will suffer from CRPS. In addition, some studies have indicated that cigarette smoking was strikingly present in patients and is statistically linked to RSD. In one study, 68% of patients versus 37% of hospitalized controls were found. This may be involved in its pathology by enhancing sympathetic activity, vasoconstriction, or by some other unknown neurotransmitter-related mechanism.
It is also theorized that certain people might be genetically predisposed to develop symptoms of RSD/CRPS after a significant or seemingly insignificant injury has been sustained. These tests are being performed by The Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome Association (RSDSA), American RSD Hope, and Richard G. Boles, M.D. Research began in October 2008, but the outcome has yet to be released to the medical community.
Symptoms
The symptoms of CRPS usually manifest near the site of an injury, either major or minor. The most common symptoms overall are burning and electrical sensations, described to be like "shooting pain." The patient may also experience muscle spasms, local swelling, abnormally increased sweating, changes in skin temperature and color, softening and thinning of bones, joint tenderness or stiffness, restricted or painful movement.
The pain of CRPS is continuous and may be heightened by emotional or physical stress. Moving or touching the limb is often intolerable. The symptoms of CRPS vary in severity and duration. There are three variants of CRPS, previously thought of as stages. It is now believed that patients with CRPS do not progress through these stages sequentially. These stages may not be time-constrained, and could possibly event-related, such as ground-level falls or re-injuries in previous areas. Instead, patients are likely to have one of the three following types of disease progression:
Type one is characterized by severe, burning pain at the site of the injury. Muscle spasm, joint stiffness, restricted mobility, rapid hair and nail growth, and vasospasm (a constriction of the blood vessels) that affects color and temperature of the skin can also occur.
Type two is characterized by more intense pain. Swelling spreads, hair growth diminishes, nails become cracked, brittle, grooved, and spotty, osteoporosis becomes severe and diffuse, joints thicken, and muscles atrophy.
Type three is characterized by irreversible changes in the skin and bones, while the pain becomes unyielding and may involve the entire limb. There is marked muscle atrophy, severely limited mobility of the affected area, and flexor tendon contractions (contractions of the muscles and tendons that flex the joints). Occasionally the limb is displaced from its normal position, and marked bone softening and thinning is more dispersed.
Diagnosis
CRPS types I and II share the common diagnostic criteria shown below. Spontaneous pain or allodynia (pain resulting from a stimulus {as a light touch of the skin} which would not normally provoke pain)is not limited to the territory of a single peripheral nerve, and is disproportionate to the inciting event.
There is a history of edema, skin blood flow abnormality, or abnormal sweating in the region of the pain since the inciting event.
No other conditions can account for the degree of pain and dysfunction.
The two types differ only in the nature of the inciting event. Type I CRPS develops following an initiating noxious event that may or may not have been traumatic, while type II CRPS develops after a nerve injury.
No specific test is available for CRPS, which is diagnosed primarily through observation of the symptoms. However, thermography, sweat testing, x-rays, electrodiagnostics, and sympathetic blocks can be used to build up a picture of the disorder. Diagnosis is complicated by the fact that some patients improve without treatment. A delay in diagnosis and/or treatment for this syndrome can result in severe physical and psychological problems. Early recognition and prompt treatment provide the greatest opportunity for recovery.
The International Association for the Study of Pain (IASP) lists the diagnostic criteria for complex regional pain syndrome I (CRPS I) (RSDS) as follows:
The presence of an initiating noxious event or a cause of immobilization
Continuing pain, allodynia (perception of pain from a nonpainful stimulus), or hyperalgesia (an exaggerated sense of pain) disproportionate to the inciting event.
Evidence at some time of edema, changes in skin blood flow, or abnormal sudomotor activity in the area of pain
The diagnosis is excluded by the existence of any condition that would otherwise account for the degree of pain and dysfunction.
According to the IASP, CRPS II (causalgia) is diagnosed as follows:
The presence of continuing pain, allodynia, or hyperalgesia after a nerve injury, not necessarily limited to the distribution of the injured nerve
Evidence at some time of edema, changes in skin blood flow, or abnormal sudomotor activity in the region of pain
The diagnosis is excluded by the existence of any condition that would otherwise account for the degree of pain and dysfunction.
The IASP criteria for CRPS I diagnosis has shown a sensitivity ranging from 98-100% and a specificity ranging from 36%-55%. Per the IASP guidelines, interobserver reliability for CRPS I diagnosis is poor. Two other criteria used for CRPS I diagnosis are Bruehl's criteria and Veldman's criteria which have moderate to good interobserver reliability. In the absence of clear evidence supporting 1 set of criteria over the others, clinicians may use IASP, Bruehl’s, or Veldman’s clinical criteria for diagnosis. While the IASP criteria are nonspecific and possibly not as reproducible as Bruehl’s or Veldman’s criteria, they are cited more widely the literature including treatment trials.
Thermography
Thermography is a diagnostic technique for measuring blood flow by determining the variations in heat emitted from the body. A color-coded "thermogram" of a person in pain often shows an altered blood supply to the painful area, appearing as a different shade (abnormally pale or violet) than the surrounding areas of the corresponding part on the other side of the body. A difference of 1.0°C between two symmetrical body parts is considered significant, especially if a large number of asymmetrical skin temperature sites are present. The affected limb may be warmer or cooler than the unaffected limb.
Sweat testing
Abnormal sweating can be detected by several tests. A powder that changes color when exposed to sweat can be applied to the limbs; however, this method does not allow for quantification of sweating. Two quantitative tests that may be used are the resting sweat output test and the quantitative sudomotor axon reflex test. These quantitative sweat tests have been shown to correlate with clinical signs of CRPS.
Radiography
Patchy osteoporosis, which may be due to disuse of the affected extremity, can be detected through X-ray imagery as early as two weeks after the onset of CRPS. A bone scan of the affected limb may detect these changes even sooner. Bone densitometry can also be used to detect changes in bone mineral density. It can also be used to monitor the results of treatment, as bone densitometry parameters improve with treatment.
Electrodiagnostic testing
The nerve injury that characterizes type II CRPS can be detected by electromyography. In contrast to peripheral mononeuropathy, the symptoms of type 2 CRPS extend beyond the distribution of the affected peripheral nerve.
Prevention
Vitamin C has been shown to reduce the prevalence of complex regional pain syndrome after wrist fractures. A daily dose of 500 mg for fifty days is recommended. These studies are difficult to interpret because the incidence of CRPS in those who took the Vitamin C in this study are similar to the incidence without taking anything in other studies [(the most comprehensive incidence study)].
Treatment
The general strategy in CRPS treatment is often multi-disciplinary, with the use of different types of medications combined with distinct physical therapies.
Drugs
Physicians use a variety of drugs to treat CRPS, including antidepressants, anti-inflammatories such as corticosteroids and COX-inhibitors such as piroxicam, bisphosphonates, vasodilators, GABA analogs such gabapentin and pregabalin, and alpha- or beta-adrenergic-blocking compounds, and the entire pharmacy of opioids. Although many different drugs are used, there is not much supportive evidence for most of them. This doesn't necessarily reflect evidence that they don't work, just a lack of evidence that they do.
Physical and occupational therapy
Physical and occupational therapy are important components of the management of CRPS primarily by desensitizing the affected body part, restoring motion, and improving function. Though it should be noted some people at certain stages of the disease are incapable of participating in physical therapy due to touch intolerance. This may be where Graded Motor Imagery and Mirror Therapy (see below) are particularly helpful. People with CRPS often develop guarding behaviors where they avoid using or touching the affected limb. This inactivity exacerbates the disease and perpetuates the pain cycle. Therefore optimizing the multimodal treatment is paramount to allow for use of the involved body part. Physical therapy works best for most patients, especially goal-directed therapy, where the patient begins from an initial point, regardless of how minimal, and then endeavors to increase activity each week. Therapy is directed at facilitating the patient to engage in physical therapy, movement and stimulation of the affected areas. One difficulty with the idea of Physical Therapy, however, is that it means different things to different people. There is one systematic review of the use of physical and occupational therapy for the treatment of CRPS. That review concluded: "Narrative synthesis of the results, based on effect size, found there was good to very good quality level II evidence that graded motor imagery is effective in reducing pain in adults with CRPS-1, irrespective of the outcome measure used. No evidence was found to support treatments frequently recommended in clinical guidelines, such as stress loading. CONCLUSIONS: Graded motor imagery should be used to reduce pain in adult CRPS-1 patients."
Physical therapy has been used under light general anesthesia in an attempt to remobilize the extremity. Such remobilization is used cautiously to avoid damage to atrophied tissue and bones which have become osteodystrophic.
Mirror box therapy
Recent research has utilized mirror therapy to significantly reduce pain levels in CRPS patients, where the affected limb is placed within a mirror box, such that the unaffected limb is reflected in a way as to make the patient think they are looking at the affected limb. Movement of this reflected normal limb is then performed such that it looks to the patient as though they are performing movement with the affected limb (although it will be pain free due to the fact it is a normal limb being reflected). Following this movement of the normal limb, when the affected limb is moved, levels of pain are reduced and over a longer period significant changes between controls and intervention groups have been shown. Concepts of neural plasticity within the brain have been hypothesized as to why this effect occurs, and similar mirror therapy has been used successfully to treat phantom limb pain. There has been a good Randomized controlled trial of mirror therapy for CRPS. The results suggest that mirror therapy probably reduces pain and disability in people with acute (<3 months) CRPS, but not in those with chronic CRPS.
Graded motor imagery
Because many studies have shown problems with the central nervous system and brain in people with CRPS, recently, treatments have been developed that target these problems. One treatment, (graded motor imagery) has now been tested in three randomised controlled trials and has shown to be effective at reducing pain and disability in people with chronic CRPS, or phantom limb pain after amputation or avulsion injury of the brachial plexus. The number needed to treat for a 50% reduction in pain was about 3.
Tactile discrimination training
Another approach to CRPS is based on a treatment called sensory discrimination training, which was used for phantom limb pain. A randomised controlled trial demonstrated a significant drop in pain after 10 days training. For CRPS, a replicated case series and a randomised repeated measures experiment both demonstrated an effect of tactile discrimination training on pain, disability and sensory function, in people with CRPS of various durations. This treatment has not been tested in a randomised controlled trial.
Graded exposure to fearful activities
Preliminary evidence from a replicated case series suggests that graded exposure to fearful activities is helpful for CRPS patients with a high fear of activity. A randomised controlled trial is currently underway.
Local anaesthetic blocks/injections
Injection of a local anesthetic such as lidocaine is often the first step in treatment. Injections are repeated as needed. However, early intervention with non-invasive management may be preferred to repeated nerve blockade. The use of topical lidocaine patches has been shown to be of use in the treatment of CRPS-1 and -2. The most recent systematic review concerning the use of local anaesthetic for CRPS concludes: The two randomized studies that met inclusion criteria had very small sample sizes, therefore, no conclusion concerning the effectiveness of this procedure could be drawn. There is a need to conduct randomized controlled trials to address the value of sympathetic blockade with local anesthetic for the treatment of CRPS.
Spinal cord stimulators
Neurostimulation (spinal cord stimulator) may also be surgically implanted to reduce the pain by directly stimulating the spinal cord. These devices place electrodes either in the epidural space (space above the spinal cord) or directly over nerves located outside the central nervous system. Implantable drug pumps may also be used to deliver pain medication directly to the cerebrospinal fluid which allows powerful opioids to be used in a much smaller dose than when taken orally. A recent review of CRPS treatment concluded: "Some common treatments (e.g., local anesthetic blockade of sympathetic ganglia) are not supported by the aggregate of published studies and should be used less frequently. Other treatments with encouraging published results (e.g., neural stimulators) are not used often enough." A systematic review concluded: Spinal cord stimulation appears to be an effective therapy in the management of patients with CRPS type I (Level A evidence) and type II (Level D evidence). Moreover, there is evidence to demonstrate that SCS is a cost-effective treatment for CRPS type I.
A randomized controlled trial performed by Kemler et al. (2000) on spinal cord stimulation (SCS) in patients with refractory RSD demonstrated that the group receiving SCS + physical therapy (n=36) had a mean reduction of 2.4 cm (using Visual analogue scale) in the intensity of pain at six months compared to a mean increase of 0.2 cm in the group assigned to receive physical therapy alone (n= 18). The intensity of pain was found to be statistically significantly different between the two groups (P < 0.001). In addition, a greater proportion of patients in the SCS + physical therapy reported a 6 (“much improved” outcome) based on a global perceived effect scale compared to physical therapy alone (39% vs. 6%, P = 0.01). However, the study did not find clinically significant improvement in functional status.
Sympathectomy
Surgical, chemical, or radiofrequency sympathectomy — interruption of the affected portion of the sympathetic nervous system — can be used as a last resort in patients with impending tissue loss, edema, recurrent infection, or ischemic necrosis. However, there is little evidence that these permanent interventions alter the pain symptoms of the affected patients.
A small randomized placebo-controlled crossover study published in Annals of Neurology examined a group of patients with severe CRPS of the leg or foot unresponsive to standard treatment. This group of patients received good—but very temporary relief—following standard local anesthetic sympathetic blocks. All patients received two injections in random order: 1) a standard Local anesthetic sympathetic block and 2) a lumbar sympathetic block with Botulinum toxinType A in addition to Local anesthetic. A subgroup of these patients appeared to get significant reductions of pain which was sustained for months at a time when Botulinum toxin type A was given in addition to local anesthetics in lumbar sympathetic blocks. This study needs to be repeated with larger numbers of patients.
Collateral meridian therapy
A study in 2007 indicated that Collateral Meridian Therapy was effective in lowering CRPS patient's VAS pain score.
EEG Biofeedback, various forms of psychotherapy, relaxation techniques and hypnosis are adjunctive treatments which assist coping.
Invasive alternative therapies like acupuncture should be used with caution on patients with CRPS due to extreme sensitivity and touch intolerance. though if patients are able to tolerate acupuncture, this treatment can be extremely helpful.
Ketamine
Ketamine, a potent anesthetic, is being used as an experimental and controversial treatment for Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. The theory of ketamine use in CRPS/RSD is primarily advanced by neurologist Dr Robert J. Schwartzman of Drexel University College of Medicine in Philadelphia, and researchers at the University of Tübingen in Germany, but was first introduced in the United States by Doctor Ronald Harbut of Little Rock Arkansas. Doctor Harbut and Doctor Graeme Correll (of Queensland, Australia) first began studying the use of ketamine in the treatment of CRPS patients. Dr Harbut's first CRPS patients in the USA were successfully treated in 2002 with the low-dose ketamine infusion; also called the "Awake Technique" and he soon began work with FDA on an approved protocol. In early 2003 Dr Harbut began sharing his treatment methods with the Doctors at Drexel University College of Medicine, including Doctor Schwartzman. The hypothesis is that ketamine manipulates NMDA receptors which might reboot aberrant brain activity.
A 2004 article discussing ketamine infusion therapy states, "Although ketamine may have more than one mechanism of action, the basis for using it to treat CRPS may reside in its strong ability to block NMDA receptors. Experimental evidence suggests that a sufficiently intense or prolonged painful stimulus causes an extraordinary release of glutamate from peripheral nociceptive afferents onto dorsal horn neurons within the spinal cord. The glutamate released, in turn, stimulates NMDA receptors on second-order neurons that produce the phenomena of windup and central sensitization. It is reasonable to consider that, by blocking NMDA receptors, one might also be able to block cellular mechanisms supporting windup and central sensitization [4–7,15]. Ketamine is the only potent NMDA-blocking drug currently available for clinical use. Our interpretation is that an appropriately prolonged infusion of ketamine appears to maintain a level of ketamine in the central nervous system long enough to reverse the effects of the sensitization process and associated pain."
There are two treatment modalities; the first consist of a low dose subanesetheisa Ketamine infusion of between 10–90 mg per hour over several treatment days, this can be delivered in hospital or as an outpatient in some cases. This is called the awake or subanesetheisa technique.
One study demonstrated that 83% of the patients that participated had complete relief and many others had some relief of the symptoms. Another evaluation of a 10-day infusion of intravenous ketamine (awake technique) in the CRPS patient concluded that "A four-hour ketamine infusion escalated from 40–80 mg over a 10-day period can result in a significant reduction of pain with increased mobility and a tendency to decreased autonomic dysregulation". Unfortunately, these study designs are very prone to bias, which means we still need high quality randomised controlled trials of ketamine infusion for CRPS to know about its effects and side effects.
The second treatment modality consists of putting the patient into a medically-induced coma, then administering an extremely high dosage of ketamine; typically between 600 and 900 mg. This version, currently not allowed in the United States, is most commonly done in Germany but some treatments are now also taking place in Monterrey, Nuevo León, Mexico.
According to Dr Schwartzman, 14 cases out of 41 patients in the induced-coma ketamine experiments were completely cured. "We haven't cured the original injury," he says, "but we have cured the RSD or kept it in remission. The RSD pain is gone."
"No one ever cured it before," he adds. "In 40 years, I have never seen anything like it. These are people who were disabled and in horrible pain. Most were completely incapacitated. They go back to work, back to school, and are doing everything they used to do. Most are on no medications at all. I have taken morphine pumps out of people. You turn off the pain and reset the whole system."
No replicated case series, or controlled trials have been done for the coma induced method to date, so care should be taken when interpreting these reports. Proper clinical trials are required before we know the effects and the risks of this procedure.
The ketamine coma method gained attention in pop culture through season 3 of the FOX television drama House, M.D., which opens a few months after the title character, Gregory House, was placed into a ketamine coma to treat ongoing neuropathy in his right leg. House is shown to have recovered significant use of his right leg (he even goes running regularly), but the treatment eventually wears off and House is once more left in pain and significantly disabled. House, M.D. also featured an episode in which an amputee with many years of severe phantom limb pain gained immediate and complete, and apparently long lasting, relief of his pain through a single use of a mirror box. There are no credible reports in the peer-reviewed literature of such immediate and long lasting effects from this treatment.
Prognosis
Good progress can be made in treating CRPS if treatment is begun early, ideally within 3 months of the first symptoms. If treatment is delayed, however, the disorder can quickly spread to the entire limb and changes in bone, nerve and muscle may become irreversible. The prognosis is not always good. The limb, or limbs, can experience muscle atrophy, loss of use and functionally useless parameters that require amputation. RSD/CRPS will not "burn itself out" but, if treated early, it is likely to go into remission.
Similar disorders
CRPS has characteristics similar to those of other disorders, such as shoulder-hand syndrome, which sometimes occurs after a heart attack and is marked by pain and stiffness in the arm and shoulder; Sudeck syndrome, which is prevalent in older people and women and is characterized by bone changes and muscular atrophy, but is not always associated with trauma; and Steinbrocker syndrome, which includes symptoms such as gradual stiffness, discomfort, and weakness in the shoulder and hand. Erythromelalgia also shares many components of CRPS (burning pain, redness, temperature hypersensitivity, autonomic dysfunction, vasospasm), they both involve small fiber sensory neurosympathetic components. Erythromelalgia involves a lack of sweating, whereas CRPS often involves increased sweating. Subvariations of both exist. New information lends credibility to previous positions that this is an autoimmune response disease that can be caused by injury, non injury, and can progress from the injured location throughout the entire body, to include optic nerves, ear nerves, and other facial nerves. Regarding the facial nerves, the eyes seem to be most vulnerable, with no specific pattern as to one or both. It also has the ability to affect sexual function in both the male and female anatomy, though the ability to engage in sexual activity is limited by the disease itself. There is further information that some cases may have a genetic predisposition for the disease, as with other autoimmune diseases. Myasthenia Gravis is another disease that mirrors many of the symptoms of CRPS.
Current research
The National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke (NINDS), a part of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), supports and conducts research on the brain and central nervous system, including research relevant to RSDS, through grants to major medical institutions across the country. NINDS-supported scientists are working to develop effective treatments for neurological conditions and, ultimately, to find ways of preventing them. Investigators are studying new approaches to treat CRPS and intervene more aggressively after traumatic injury to lower the patient's chances of developing the disorder. In addition, NINDS-supported scientists are studying how signals of the sympathetic nervous system cause pain in CRPS patients. Using a technique called microneurography, these investigators are able to record and measure neural activity in single nerve fibers of affected patients. By testing various hypotheses, these researchers hope to discover the unique mechanism that causes the spontaneous pain of CRPS and that discovery may lead to new ways of blocking pain. Other studies to overcome chronic pain syndromes are discussed in the pamphlet "Chronic Pain: Hope Through Research," published by the NINDS.
Research into treating the condition with Mirror Visual Feedback is being undertaken at the Royal National Hospital for Rheumatic Disease in Bath. Patients are taught how to desensitize in the most effective way then progress on to using mirrors to rewrite the faulty signals in the brain that appear responsible for this condition.
The Netherlands currently has the most comprehensive program of research into CRPS, as part of a multi-million Euro initiative called TREND. German and Australian research teams are also pursuing better understanding and treatments for CRPS.
Source: Wikipedia

Sunday
Jul212013

What is CRPS or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome

 

A gradual loss of mobility can put a girl in denial. Mine is accompanied by the most blinding pain. And the decline continues to progress.

I was injured, but how did the loss of mobility and progressive paralysis get to this point?

Upon my neurology appointment this past Friday, the doctor asked me if I was diagnosed with the condition CRPS... and I knew it sounded familiar.

My new spine surgeon, as well as my pain management doctor, have diagnosed me with CRPS or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. The symptoms are exactly what I have. So we will now be leading the treatment phase with this in mind. Unfortunately, there is no known cure. It began with the concussion, was compounded with the upper and lower spine surgeries done at the same time, etc. So, it seems there may be an answer here as to the "why". Now we need to figure out "how" I can live as normal a life as possible with this. "What", besides my next surgeries of Spinal Cord Stimulator and Rhizotomies, will improve my quality of life? Is it possible to ever walk again? Will I ever be free from debilitating pain? You know, little things like that. If my current in-home physical therapy does not help, I will have a fusion of levels C7-T2 as well as other possible levels not being helped by current surgeries or treatments. Also, how do we calm the tremors? How can we stop the progression of this condition as it continues to spread throughout my limbs?


Here is information I pulled from WebMD.

Complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS), also called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome, is a chronic pain condition in which high levels of nerve impulses are sent to an affected site. Experts believe that CRPS occurs as a result of dysfunction in the central or peripheral nervous systems.

There is no cure for CRPS.

What Causes Complex Regional Pain Syndrome?

CRPS most likely does not have a single cause; rather, it results from multiple causes that produce similar symptoms. Some theories suggest that pain receptors in the affected part of the body become responsive to catecholamines, a group of nervous system messengers. In cases of injury-related CRPS, the syndrome may be caused by a triggering of the immune response which may lead to the inflammatory symptoms of redness, warmth, and swelling in the affected area. For this reason, it is believed that CRPS may  represent a disruption of the healing process.

What Are the Symptoms of Complex Regional Pain Syndrome?

The symptoms of CRPS vary in their severity and length. One symptom of CRPS is continuous, intense pain that gets worse rather than better over time. If CRPS occurs after an injury, it may seem out of proportion to the severity of the injury. Even in cases involving an injury only to a finger or toe, pain can spread to include the entire arm or leg. In some cases, pain can even travel to the opposite extremity. Other symptoms of CRPS include:

    • "Burning" pain
    • Swelling and stiffness in affected joints
    • Motor disability, with decreased ability to move the affected body part
    • Changes in nail and hair growth patterns: There may be rapid hair growth or no hair growth.
    • Skin changes: CRPS can involve changes in skin temperature -- skin on one extremity can feel warmer or cooler compared to the opposite extremity. Skin color may become blotchy, pale, purple or red. The texture of skin also can change, becoming shiny and thin. People with CRPS may have skin that sometimes is excessively sweaty.
CRPS may be heightened by emotional stress.

How Is Complex Regional Pain Syndrome Diagnosed?

There is no specific diagnostic test for CRPS, but some testing can rule out other conditions. Triple-phase bone scans can be used to identify changes in the bone and in blood circulation. Some health care providers may apply a stimulus (for example, heat, touch, cold) to determine whether there is pain in a specific area.

Making a firm diagnosis of CRPS may be difficult early in the course of the disorder when symptoms are few or mild. CRPS is diagnosed primarily through observation of the following symptoms:

    • The presence of an initial injury
    • A higher-than-expected amount of pain from an injury
    • A change in appearance of an affected area
    • No other cause of pain or altered appearance

How Is Complex Regional Pain Syndrome Treated?

Because there is no cure for CRPS, the goal of treatment is to relieve painful symptoms associated with the disorder. Therapies used include psychotherapy, physical therapy, and drug treatment, such as topical analgesics, narcotics, corticosteroids, antidepressants and antiseizure drugs.

Other treatments include:

    • Sympathetic nerve blocks: These blocks, which are done in a variety of ways, can provide significant pain relief for some people. One kind of block involves placing an anesthetic next to the spine to directly block the sympathetic nerves.
    • Surgical sympathectomy: This controversial technique destroys the nerves involved in CRPS. Some experts believe it has a favorable outcome, while others feel it makes CRPS worse. The technique should be considered only for people whose pain is dramatically but temporarily relieved by selective sympathetic blocks.
    • Intrathecal drug pumps: Pumps and implanted catheters are used to send pain-relieving medication into the spinal fluid.
    • Spinal cord stimulation: This technique, in which electrodes are placed next to the spinal cord, offers relief for many people with the condition.

This is all both enlightening and disheartening at the same time. We now have a name, but what can we do about it?

And the journey continues...

Friday
Jul192013

Reggie & Me

A portrait of my therapy dog Reggie and myself as he rides on my scooter with me 🐾
Sometimes he drives with his paws on the handle bars. Even when I scoot around a room in our home he will sit between my feet. His fur so soft and comforting.

This artist is Stephanie Orehek from Hollywood Illustrator who is illustrating our children's book The Soldier And The Squirrel. A story of how a newly wounded soldier changes the life of a squirrel.

Thursday
Jul182013

Grass Roots 


Grass Roots Fundraiser Set Up To Help Micaela Bensko
Thu, 07/18/2013 - 3:07pm | David Mariuz
Category:
Santa Clarita News


The friends and family of Micaela Bensko, a local veteran’s advocate and writer who was disabled in a driveway accident, recently set up a charity to help pay for her out of pocket expenses.

“It’s moving,” said Bensko, “People are so generous and kind.”

The expenses of her care are at least $3,000 a month not counting medical bills. The fundraiser's goal is to reach $50,000 in the next 121 days, and they are nearly 10 percent of the way there.

In 2011, Bensko was injured in a driveway accident caused by the hatch of her car’s tailgate collapsing on her skull.

“I went to the emergency room and they put a staple in my head,” Bensko said.

Bensko has undergone testing, scans and MRIs. In May 2012 she had an artificial disk replacement in her cervical area, a laminotomy, a microdiscectomy and a bone spur removal.

That summer, she suffered a herniation in her spine, which resulted in additional surgery in the fall.

“Throughout this process my limbs have weakened,” said Bensko, “Due to the trauma to my spinal cord, my neurology is like a hornets nest.”

Overtime Bensko has lost mobility in her left leg, and her right leg is beginning to lose mobility as well.

Bensko uses a wheelchair or an electric scooter for transportation, but is in bed the majority of each day.

Bensko has at least two upcoming surgeries. One of which is an electro spine stimulator implant, a device that sends electrical impulses along the spine to control chronic pain.

“I have had multiple surgeries and endless procedures,” Bensko said.

She also must undergo rhizotomies, a surgery that targets painful nerves in the spine, and she just applied to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. for treatment.

Bensko has been productive despite the difficulties caused by her disability.

“It’s been one of the most creative period of my life,” Bensko said.

Bensko wrote a children’s book called “The Soldier and the Squirrel.” The story is about a wounded soldier that affects the life of a squirrel who lives in his backyard.

“The moral of the story is that life is about making others happy,” Bensko said.

The book is illustrated by Stephanie Orehek and will be published in two months.

Bensko is Vice-President of Rebuilding America's Warriors, which provides free reconstructive surgery to wounded troops returning from war.

Bensko and her husband have four children.

She also writes editorials for hometownstation.com

To donate visit the page for Micaela’s Health Challenge.

Do you have a news tip? Call us at (661) 298-1220, or drop us a line at community@hometownstation.com.

 


Fundraiser Set Up To Help Micaela Bensko
Article: Fundraiser Set Up To Help Micaela Bensko
Source: Santa Clarita News
Author: David Mariuz


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Thursday
Jul182013

Aloha & Mahalo - Today's Spinal Update

My family and I are in disbelief at how rapidly our world is changing. Because of those who given so much of their energies to us. We are breathing into the gifts you have sent our way. Thank you for your kindness, your notes and generosity.My chidlren are in awe that through this difficult time in our lives, our community has stepped forward to make a change. To show them the humanity that does thrive in this world. And because of you, our world will never be the same. And that is the greatest blessing of all.

SPINE UPDATE

As of today, the rhizotomies are still not approved. It has been six weeks. It should take 7-10 days. I think the insurance company is waiting for its close-up. That moment when there is a crowd of people anticipating their every move so they can at once, proclaim their generosity to my needs. Or. They're just hung over on popcorn. My doctor's office is going to bat for me. Which is a good thing, because I have lost my swinging arm. We are supposed to know more by this afternoon. But it is already afternoon. So perhaps they meant, afternoon in Hawaii. Perhaps they are still out surfing. That's a whole  three hours earlier. So there's still hope.

I sent in my official application to The Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. Kind of like a college app. But without the grades. Or the drinking. Now I wait for them to tell me whether or not they feel I am fixable. Or if I go under the Ginsu to simply control the pain. Which will mean my legs will stay limp. But the good news is, I can wear heels. Because I don't have to walk in them. And my pedicure will last longer. Panty-lines are no longer a concern. When others sweat going uphill, I will simply switch my chair to rabbit mode. The turtle is for following slow people. The rabbit is much more fun. My goal is, to get back to the rabbit.

My next surgeries will be the rhizotomies as well as the Spinal Cord Stimulator implant. The implant will be a six month recovery for it to seal within my back. Purpose

A rhizotomy is the destruction of nerves within the facet joints of the neck. It is normally done by burning them with a radiofrequency current. This eliminates the pain sensations The objective with a cervical rhizotomy is to reduce pain in cases of facet joint degeneration. Talk about getting fried.

So that is it for today. Until of course the insurance company calls from Hawaii, under the rising moon with a long lens fixed upon their face, and they say, " Shakah bra! You are SO not approved. But call us back after surf tomorrow eh? Cool!"

And I rest upon my dreams of approvals surfing under a blackened sky of gold, knowing that the sun is only one more night away.

Monday
Jul152013

The Chiseled Wall - An Unexpected Love Story

I just recently watched my mother fall in love. It's not often a grown child can say that, so I am grateful.

My mother has had an impenetrable wall around her heart. I have been witness to many men who tried to chisel it away with diamonds. Only to be left with blistered hands.

It is a difficult thing to reconstruct a broken heart, so my mother dove into her work. For over thirty years.

Then something magical happened. Just when my health took its turn. When she needed someone to hold her hand through what has become a mother's nightmare. She met Ron.

I never thought my mom would love a man again. Because she told me it was impossible. And I believed her. But it didn't stop me from hoping that someone would come along that could see the magnificence that is my mom. And someone my mother could see as magnificent.

Ron is a good man. Who lives a full life. He goes to the office every day. All nineteen holes of it. His view of the mountains in Palm Springs is priceless. His children are all grown - with children of their own. So he understands the act of loving a child completely, when their life is somewhere else. When all he can do is love; The most powerful force in the world, that could bring an empire to its knees. And Ron does this so well. Because he brought down my mother's wall. With baseball diamonds and shooting stars. You see, Ron is Ron Fairly, a retired professional baseball player, with genuine Dodger blood.

I have been wanting to write about Ron's career for a while. Not the one with holes. The one with baseball diamonds. I admire him. For having a dream. For living his dream. And for making my family's dream come true.

Our ten year old, Cassie May stood in my mother's living room, her fingers folding with stuttered glee. An avid Dodger fan. Ron sat and pulled out a weathered glove he used when his fingers stuttered too. She gazed at the cover he graced of Sports Illustrated, and his hands held out his World Series rings. Ron did not share these things to impress. That's not who he is. He shared this memorabilia, because it was something so real and personal to him, and he wanted Cassie May to know that she mattered as much as the world did - when he was young. And that there was something even more grand that mattered now. Her Grammy.

Ron turned seventy-five last week. Mom and Ron have dated for a year. Every day he chiseled away at her wall.

All I have ever wanted for my mother, was for her to fall in love.

Mom gave Ron a birthday dinner on Saturday. A table of closest friends. A centerpiece she planned for weeks with colors he would like. Table gifts of Major League baseballs. Twinkling Fairy Lights scattered on the cloth announced the night was dear in the circle of birthday cheer. And there was a card. With words my mother could not say since I was but a child. " I love you, Ron". And Ron knew. It was true. Her gift to him was real. As real as the glove, as the cover, as the rings. As the family he brought with him - into our broken wings.

Then I learned something new. Ron had his wall too. They were a man and a woman with a lifetime of stones - protecting the one thing that makes it possible to live. Two hearts beating a rhythm to a song written without a pen. And heard only by them.

On Sunday, my mother left him a message. He did not have to pick her up as usual for eight o' clock mass, as she was going early to the seven a.m. so that she could drive to L.A. early to take care of me. She didn't want to burden him with an early rise on a Sunday. She sat in the pew, in silent prayer. And felt a hand upon her shoulder. It was Ron. My mother's heart swelled. He sat next to her. He held her hand. And said, "Time has no meaning, when you truly love someone." His leg touched hers, and she knew, her own dream had come true. Because there was a man who never gave up. He chiseled away because he knew there was a treasure behind that wall. A fortress who's time had come. A heart he knew could mend - but only if she would let him in.

Thank you, Mom and Ron, for being an example of hope to others who have walls. And showing my children that as long as they believe in what they cannot see, dreams truly can - come true.


Saturday
Jul132013

Broken Song

There's a freedom that comes with misfortune. When you have an I-almost-made-it story. Because at least you can say you bothered to dream at all.
---

The wheels hit the runway. The flight attendant sang a parody to the tune of She'll Be CominRound the Mountain. Her performance resulted in the passenger's applause. I imagined she was probably 40. Like me. She probably wrote songs in Nashville, when I did. She had a dream, a knowing that there was something larger than herself, waiting to whisk her life into a fluster of lightbulbs and agitated autographs. The PA system was now her mic. The Dolly Parton of Southwest Airlines.

We had just landed in Nashville. Only now I wasn't returning to Nashville to write. There wasn't a song I hadn't written about divorce, death, or being a single mom.

I wondered if anyone in Nashville ever wondered what happened to 'that girl'. I was an oddity. A blonde California girl who was born in Iceland and raised in Hawaii. People tried to make me country. I'd been writing songs since I was 14. They just knew I was blonde. But not the good ole country-girl type of blonde. I was the Rodeo Drive blonde. The kind with trimmed ends and polished roots. I was the blow-out blonde with the $30 hair dryer. My producer tried to tone me down. Just blue jeans, no makeup and boots, "But be yourself!".
I was in my early twenties then and flew into Nashville every 6 weeks to work with Kenny Rogers's nephew. He'd set up writing sessions for me. Then I would record his songs. Then one day, my story was written. The one I tell when people are surprised I like to write music.

I entered the office of Martha Sharp and Jim Ed Norman at Warner Brothers. My mouth dry and knees knocking to the rhythm of insecurity. Even though I was on time, I was still too late. See, they weren't so sure about this California blonde girl thing going' on in town. And to top it off, they had just signed a new, unproven girl named Faith Hill.

It may have seemed like a dying dream. The kind a former singer tells confesses to a barkeep at an old watering hole under bad Christmas lights. But In retrospect, my timing was perfect.

I was pregnant. It was not only a wanted pregnancy, but a license to stop the insanity of Levi's and ashen cheeks. My songs that had once fed my soul, where many a broken heart went to die, had become someone else's song.

I wasn't Levi's. I was sweat pants. I sometimes sang from my throat. I never knew if I was on key, but I knew what felt right. And transforming myself into the perfect southern belle to be authentic, seemed, well, nothing more than a practice in irony.

My children were born and my heart woke to its own first breath. Then I became a single mother with a one year old and a three year old. Suddenly every note I sang before this time, felt hollow. It wasn't until I was barely making ends meet, as my car got towed in the rain and the collecting agencies stalked me - did I become authentic. You can't fake authentic. That's why they call it authentic.

We taxied into our gate. It flashed in my mind that Gate 28 would be a good country song. But then I remembered I already wrote a song called 37D - and people thought it was a bra size.

Moving on.

I debarked with children in tow. But this time it was different. This time it was on my own terms as a wife and mother of four, with a career in photography and a life fulfilled. I had married the love of my life. A man that embraced my two children 14 years ago and together we were blessed with two little girls of our own.

I had recorded my own CD to get it out of my system. The divorce, the pain, the joy of newfound love. Recorded on a rented piano, where I would write to avoid the walk down the hall past the dresser with memories. I would write to forget the other side of the bed was empty or the toilet seat was always down. I recorded my songs to remember someday that there was one night I cried because something was good. To never ever forget the depths a heart can go alone. I wrote to say to myself, look what I did when I wasn't in a fetal position on the floor. Life was more real than it had ever been.

When I met my husband, my world changed. It wasn't supposed to change. I had made up my mind that I would never marry again. I'd gone back to school full time to get my college degree that was put on hold.

Then I saw him. At a Fourth of July parade. And I knew. He was it. I was wrong. He was real. I was gone. A one way ticket to stars and stripes and the whole parade. He worked as an accountant on a small pilot called Arrested Development. His crystal blue eyes beckoned Matt Damon only wiser. He made my world stop. He made it all ok. His curls peeking from under his baseball cap signaled a kinder, gentler time. Love makes you crazy. He made me the good crazy. He still does.

After 14 years and a family of 6, we landed to reclaim a Nashville soil of sifted dreams. On this trip to Nashville, my music sat in my piano bench at home in a binder with tethered ears. A binder filled with broken songs - because I wrote them when I was broken. Things are better when they're broken. They're honest and imperfect. I could've been Faith Hill, but then I wouldn't have my broken songs.

As we approached the glass partition to the arrival room I saw him standing with his eyes that still made my heart skip a beat. The children and I had arrived. In Nashville. The air was warm and sweet. We passed a grocery store with live music and my heart recalls the pull. The calling. I silenced the voice, looked up at my husband and breathed.

Life is funny with curve balls. The following day we had VIP access to the city's fireworks displays on the anniversary of when we met.

Nothing about Nashville was the same as 20 years before - but neither was I. So we were even.

I followed my husband down the hallway to our loft.

Nashville was my oyster - 20 years in the making - for stars to align and irony to build a precious pearl that ground against my teeth. It was a different world, I was a different girl. We pulled up to our building. "Church and 7th". Our address. And I thought, that could be a cool country song. But I was no longer broken enough to hear the melody , of what that song should be. something larger than herself, waiting to whisk her life into a fluster of lightbulbs and agitated autographs. The PA system was now her mic. The Dolly Parton of Southwest Airlines.

We had just landed in Nashville. Only now I wasn't returning to Nashville to write. There wasn't a song I hadn't written about divorce, death, or being a single mom.

I wondered if anyone in Nashville ever wondered what happened to 'that girl'. I was an oddity. A blonde California girl who was born in Iceland and raised in Hawaii. People tried to make me country. I'd been writing songs since I was 14. They just knew I was blonde. But not the good ole country-girl type of blonde. I was the Rodeo Drive blonde. The kind with trimmed ends and polished roots. I was the blow-out blonde with the $30 hair dryer. My producer tried to tone me down. Just blue jeans, no makeup and boots, "But be yourself!".
I was in my early twenties then and flew into Nashville every 6 weeks to work with Kenny Rogers's nephew. He'd set up writing sessions for me. Then I would record his songs. Then one day, my story was written. The one I tell when people are surprised I like to write music.

I entered the office of Martha Sharp and Jim Ed Norman at Warner Brothers. My mouth felt like dried rubber, my knees knocking to the rhythm of insecurity. Even though I was on time, I was still too late. See, they weren't so sure about this California blonde girl thing going' on in town. And to top it off, they had just signed a new, unproven girl named Faith Hill.

It may have seemed like a dream filed within a crypt. The kind of story a dying star confesses to a barkeep at an old watering hole under bad Christmas lights. But In retrospect, my timing was perfect.

I was pregnant. It was not only a wanted pregnancy, but a license to stop the insanity of Levi's and ashen cheeks. My songs that had once fed my soul, where many a broken heart went to die, had become someone else's song.

I wasn't Levi's. I was sweat pants. I sometimes sang from my throat. I never knew if I was on key, but I knew what felt right. And transforming myself into the perfect southern belle to be authentic, seemed, well, nothing more than a practice in irony.

My children were born and my heart woke to its own first breath. Then I became a single mother with a one year old and a three year old. Suddenly every note I sang before this time, felt hollow. It wasn't until I was barely making ends meet, as my car got towed in the rain and the collecting agencies stalked me - did I become authentic. You can't fake authentic. That's why they call it authentic.

We taxied into our gate. It flashed in my mind that Gate 28 would be a good country song. But then I remembered I already wrote a song called 37D - and people thought it was a bra size.

Moving on.

I debarked with children in tow. But this time it was different. This time it was on my own terms as a wife and mother of four, with a career in photography and a life fulfilled. I had married the love of my life. A man that embraced my two children 14 years ago and together we were blessed with two little girls of our own.

I had recorded my own CD to get it out of my system. The divorce, the pain, the joy of newfound love. Recorded on a rented piano, where I would write to avoid the walk down the hall past the dresser with memories. I would write to forget the other side of the bed was empty or the toilet seat was always down. I recorded my songs to remember someday that there was one night I cried because something was good. To never ever forget the depths a heart can go alone. I wrote to say to myself, look what I did when I wasn't in a fetal position on the floor. Life was more real than it had ever been.

When I met my husband, my world changed. It wasn't supposed to change. I had made up my mind that I would never marry again. I'd gone back to school full time to get my college degree that was put on hold.

I met him and I knew. He was it. I was wrong. He was real. I was gone. A one way ticket to stars and stripes and the whole parade. He worked as an accountant on a small pilot called Arrested Development. His crystal blue eyes beckoned Matt Damon only wiser. He made my world stop. He made it all ok. His curls peeking from under his baseball cap signaled a kinder, gentler time. Love makes you crazy. He made me the good crazy. He still does.

After 14 years and a family of 6, my own photography career and his rise to Producer, we landed to reclaim a soil of sifted dreams. On this trip to Nashville, my music sat in my piano bench at home in a binder with tethered ears. A binder filled with broken songs - because I wrote them when I was broken. Things are better when they're broken. They're honest and imperfect. I could've been Faith Hill, but then I wouldn't have my broken songs.

As we approached the glass partition to the arrival room I saw him standing with his eyes that still made my heart skip a beat. The children and I had arrived. In Nashville. The air was warm and sweet. We passed a grocery store with live music and my heart recalls the pull. The calling. I silenced the voice, looked up at my husband and breathed.

Life is funny with curve balls. The following day we had VIP access to the city's fireworks displays on the anniversary of when we met.

Nothing about Nashville was the same as 20 years before - but neither was I. So we were even.

I followed my husband down the hallway to our loft.

Nashville was my oyster - 20 years in the making - for stars to align and irony to build a precious pearl that ground against my teeth. It was a different world, I was a different girl. We pulled up to our building. "Church and 7th". Our address. And I thought, that could be a cool country song. But I was no longer broken enough to hear the melody , of what that song should be.

Friday
Jul122013

Blue's Suede Shoes

Blue Belle ate my friend's shoes today. Ann Taylor Loft, tan and brown, size 6 foldable leather ballet flats. Last week it was a friend's white leather wedge sandal open toed shoe. Before that my mother's favorite black sparkled slip on heels with cushioned soles. And the list goes on.

I need Blue nowadays. For comic relief. As a poster-child for life's absurdity. But Blue Belle eats things. And then she's cute. She is always cute. A Brittany Spaniel straight from Nashville. A southern belle, with a cow pattern draping her fur, and an irresistible feathered boa-like accent under her tail. Her ears perk upward like ponytails. Her eyes are a butterscotch brown - so large and round - you'd swear she was a lost child finding shelter in a winter coat.

I love her no matter what she does. Brand new rug destroyed? No problem. Three gesticulated computer chargers in one week? She must be teething. Defecation on the entryway floor? She was just saying hello.

Her name is not just Blue Belle anymore. It's Blue Belle What Are You Eating!

We no longer have area rugs in our areas. I have just one pair of flip flops left for the summer. Our sofa that survived six seasons on the set of Big Love, even with teamster drool in its cracks, now has but one life left. A dog's life. Blue rolls onto her back between the cushions, and spreads her legs to the walls. Because she can. Her teeth peek through her upside-down lips that reach for the floor below. Her eyes follow the children around the room, luring them in. Like an awkward cow at rest.

Blue is the oversized puppy that never stops. Even at seven months old, she is a toddler in her mother's shoes. The only kind she doesn't eat.

I love her because she actually cares when she's done something wrong. I watch as she hunches her shoulders and makes the shameful march beneath the bed. It makes my heart ache because hers is so pure.

So I tell myself, she liked those shoes so much she had to have a taste. She marked the couch today so she would know it was her place. She chewed the toys because they were old. She swallowed the car charger because the phone gets in the way - Of loving her completely. She has had to learn patience, for mankind, because we are so hard to train.

Blue Belle is a blessing. Even if I am unable to see it through mangled wires and shoes that had to die. At least she knows to love without any strings attached. Except perhaps a shoelace on my size 8 1/2 blue suede shoes she ate because she knows I can't walk right now anyway. She was actually cleaning out my closet. Because she loves me too. And also just because she can.