The apple's juices opened up inside my mouth, mixing with my tears. Three a.m. is rarely kind to me. It's when thoughts rise from the deepest sleep and toss the heart into a spin. Somehow the sweetness reminds me of life's innocence. I haven't written in a while. Perhaps an experiment with denial. But like any river, once dammed,a pressure builds, and the release can leave one startled in its wake. I woke to the book on tape still murmuring in my earbud. The rhythmic breath of my husband. The gentle nudge of Reggie's paw stretching into my thigh. The burn inside my spine from my trying too hard to be free. I'm learning, and adapting, to life in a chair. But sometimes when lost in a whirlwind of growth, life becomes blurred and feelings are forced beneath the skin. Until three a.m.It just hit me, that only months ago I could shuffle my feet to cross a room. Now my body caves likes a tree that's broken in a wind, my chest edging to the floor as my spine collapses in its fold. My face is to the floor within seconds of searching for hope, that maybe this will be the step when life will turn. So now my life is from the chair. Albeit it is a pretty cool looking little chair. A woman at the doctor's office told me so, but in a way that was all too real. As though now it was a part of me. Like a dress, or pair of shoes. The color of my hair. I am now also my chair. My husband released his hold on me, he's learned to wait each storm - quietly bracing me to his chest until the calm. When the storm slows down and branches are cradled by the wind. In the stillness once again, at three a.m.
Meg , there's comfort in knowing we're not alone. I certainly don't like focussing on the negative, but as Bobbie says, there's a beauty within the darkness. We can only see that when life is still, and the tears subside. Especially when there's that soft glow around our eyes where tears leave droplets on our lids. I still always search for hope. I still find joy in every day. But it's only human to slip into the night when thoughts take us to that place where we are meant to be - in order to shed our skin and ready ourselves for the next turn in the road, wherever it may lead.
I SHOULD BE ASHAMED - FOR MY SELF
For the times I looked you in the mirror and asked why you weren't 'her'
When I turned to see my backside just to asses its girth
When I should have gently thanked you for getting me through the day
When all I should have done was love you
I should be ashamed
For the days I drove the kids to school because my brain was tired
Perhaps the weather wasn't right or the streets could have been dryer
For all the times I parked too close and wished I had a plaque
The only thing I wish for now is that I could take it back
I see this now because today I looked at you
And didn't wish you were someone else I just felt gratitude
For carrying my spirit
And the burdens in my heart
For staying strong when all I saw was a life falling apart
I love you more than ever before because before I could not see
Everything you are that I was ashamed to be
A miracle of God that is mine for while I'm here
On this often winding journey
Protecting me from fear
You are my link to God and all I have to do
So why should I have been ashamed of you with all you have to do?
I am sorry to my body for the time's I've been unkind
For all I've seen because of you how could I be so blind
For all that you have given me, my family and my name
I only have one thing to say
I should be ashamed